Some people think being single is the worst thing in the world with all those lonely nights, eating alone, no one to share your day with.
But that’s not the way it is at all!
Sure, seeing ‘In A Relationship’, ‘Engaged’, or ‘Married’ on your Facebook relationship status has its benefits. There’s the whole companionship, commitment, support system, and unconditional affection factor. Then, you have no need to look for a date for each occasion you go to because you already have one. Your sexuality isn’t in question or no more pushy people asking for reasons why you didn’t bring someone along every Thanksgiving.
Yeah, being in a relationship has its perks. I totally agree. But guess what? So does being single. Turns out, despite what Valentine’s Day cards try to tell you each year, being single is actually pretty awesome. Don’t look at it as a negative, look at it as something to be envious of. Don’t believe me? Let me try to tell you the wondrous ways of the awesomely single:
1. You have the ultimate reason to be selfish.
With no one else to consider, your life, your way, baby!
2. Go to the movies.
Embrace that you’re a confident new-age independent single.
3. YOU get to choose the movie.
4. YOU choose the snacks
Ahhh! Life is good… not to mention a lot cheaper.
5. Go shopping.
You would be amazed at how relaxing it actually is without the sulking “are you finished yet” mumbles.
6. You can just browse as long as your pretty little self desires.
Go on just browse, it’s a whole new world out there!
7. You like it, you buy it.
You don’t have to explain to no one.
8. No need to explain how much you spent on ‘sale’ items.
9. No hiding your bargains.
They don’t have to be hidden towards the back of the wardrobe and slowly filtered out so they don’t get noticed.
10. Go get a girlie magazine.
The ones with half-naked guys.
11. Grab a coffee in a funky café.
Because it was so hipster for your past boyfriend.
12. Sip your flat white in that funky café while flicking through your mag imagining yourself looking like some exotic movie star.
You’re oh-so-freakin’ chic right now.
On all the eye candy in the vicinity.
14. Make no apologies.
For such unabashed perv-ing.
15. Get busted.
BIG time perving on that decadent young man.
…uncontrollably, and fumble around trying to pretend you weren’t actually looking at him.
17. Spill your bloody scorching hot coffee.
All down your top, oops!
18. It’s okay to do this.
Even though it’s your brand new white top.
19. This is why you can’t have nice things.
But who cares, because a man isn’t there to tell you so!
20. Plan your subtle escape…
…with your newly tie dye inspired top.
21. Walk with pride…
…while thinking, Please don’t let anyone I know see me.
22. Bump into your friends unexpectedly.
Oh hi girls!! You’re here? Hi, Karen, Susie, Bronwyn, Annie…
23. Get back to your car.
Your safe sanctuary.
24. Blast YOUR choice of music…
…to wash away the humiliation.
25. Get back to YOUR place.
and strip off.
26. Actually walk around half naked.
and NOT get hit up for a bit of horizontal tango.
For as long as you freakin want.
28. Wash your hair…
…with that amazing boutique hair care product you paid a house payment for.
…shaving those legs.
30. Decide not to…
it’s still winter and you’ve got another couple of months to wear long pants to work.
31. Embrace it.
The gorilla-gal trend that is.
32. Get those super comfy pj’s on.
No not those slinky ride up your arse ones, the cotton stretchy worn-in ones. Ahhhhh, it’s just like coming home.
Could be steak and veggies… ahh hell nahhh!!
35. Straight from the jar.
36. The whole jar.
37. Regret nothing.
38. Turn on TV.
Start flicking and don’t stop.
39. Surf those thing like a pro.
Because you can.
40. You can watch three shows at the same time.
Just as long as you can get a full minute on one before switching to the next one.
Oh hell no!
42. In fact, NO sports!
43. Climb into bed.
When YOU’RE ready
44. Take up position.
45. Starfish position.
46. Because you can.
47. Own that queen size bed baby.
All of it!
48. Want to go out with the girls instead.
You can, easy.
49. No deals, guilt or compromises.
50. Get hella messy with cute guys.
51. Be appropriately inappropriate.
52. Forget that you’re 40-something.
And think that you still can rock out like the 20-year-olds.
53. Hit that dance floor.
With moves like Jagger.
54. Catch a glimpse of your dancing reflection in a window.
55. Die a little inside.
56. Apparently, you look a little less like Beyoncé.
And a little more like a baby hippo having a fit.
57. Try to revive your confidence with another drink.
58. Realise you really can’t drink like you used to.
59. Develop an instant migraine.
Please God let there be one just outside.
61. Miracles don’t happen that easily.
62. Get hit on by so many men.
63. With no teeth.
64. Or shirts.
65. Or shoes.
66. It’s the middle of winter…
…What the friggen hell are you people doing?!
67. Finally get in that cab.
A little repulsed but at the same time smirking because in some parallel universe you’ve still got it, baby.
68. Mumble your address.
For the driver of this God-sent-chariot to take you home.
69. Drop your keys.
Multiple times overbalancing letting the wall catch you.
70. Start laughing uncontrollably…
…at how ridiculous you must look, because no one is there to judge you.
71. Fall through the front door.
Why be quiet, I’m sure the dogs don’t mind at all.
72. Time to de-robe.
Three words: ‘Suck and tucks’ or ‘spanks’.
73. They have merged into my fat rolls…
— they are now one with my body.
74. Can’t breathe.
75. Wonder just how long I have been oxygen starved.
76. Are my lips actually going blue?
77. That’s it – where are the scissors?
These bad boys are coming off!!
78. Ahhhhh, sweet relief.
79. See point #43.
Get ready to take up sleep position. No tip-toeing tonight. Imagine a whale breaching — do it. Really. Consider this your entry statement to bed. Trust me it’s so satisfying.
80. Forget you have a shitty old bed.
81. Surely not ALL of the slats have broken.
85. As morning shows it’s bright and obnoxious face, consider the renovation of your room to uber chic loft-inspired style
– i.e. mattress straight on the floor as your ‘breaching’ was a little too exuberant the night before.
86. Spend the day knowing if there was a zombie apocalypse, you’d best stay indoors.
‘Cause you sure a hell would be mistaken for one straight up.
87. Be confident if in fact there was an apocalypse, you’re safe.
Phew!! Your breath smells like the bottom of a cocky’s cage and the smell leaching from your skin is positively toxic. No self respecting zombie would want to suck on that!
88. Run bath.
A fragrant, moisturising, Zen calming bath.
89. Soak, refresh and reset.
No interruptions. At all.
Once again, YOUR choice! (see a pattern here?)
91. Spend the time to check out Facebook.
92. You’ve been tagged, a lot
Seriously, I mean a freakin’ lot. I didn’t even see who was taking the photos..
You looked hot. Not bad at all.
94. Oh geez.
What am I doing in THAT one??? Untag!! Untag!!!
Who’s that in that photo near the bar. He’s hot. Like really hot!!
96 Hang on…
Check your phone. You have his number — AND his name!! Mr hot guy with stripy shirt, you have a name!!!
TO CALL OR NOT TO CALL.
— I think I’ll pass.